you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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