My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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