spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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