Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
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You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
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