my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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