Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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