im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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