im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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