you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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