I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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