I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
