Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
she pinky promised me she was 18
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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