i dedicated my morning wood to you.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
