He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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