you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
