were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
God I need to hump something, right now.
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