I just pynch a tree in the face
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
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