instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Omg I joined a choir last night...
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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