I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
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