I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
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I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
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I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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