Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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