I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
