Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
