so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
