So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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