Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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