Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
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She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
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Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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