The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
