just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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