So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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