I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
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we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
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All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
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