Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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