It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
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How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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