also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
