can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
