dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
