How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
My pussy is not your playground.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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