he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
