I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
