I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
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