I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
