we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
