Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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