So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
