Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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