dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
