foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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