there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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