No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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