I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
