I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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